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Grief is the most intense pain there is, and we will do anything to avoid pain. And yet, says Julia, running away from it means we will never recover from it. Embracing it, moving through its agony, and allowing ourselves to just be while it washes over us, is the only way to survive it; because we have to feel the worst of it in order to let it change us, and then we can start to find out who we are going to be in the wake of it.
The fact is, you have to do the work of grieving. You have to let it run its course. Her book traces the journeys of many of the bereaved people she has walked alongside; she describes how she has wept and mourned with them. Sally tells Julia that losing her son has made her, too, feel dead. She no longer has any expectations of life; she does not want to go on living. Julia is as interested in asking questions as in answering them; and her questions to me surround something that I have experienced but she never has, which is a traumatic loss.
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There are two sorts of loss, says Julia: expected loss and traumatic loss. And perhaps strangely, for one in her profession, her own losses have all been expected ones. So, too, she says, did other major shifts of history, especially the first and second world wars. They were parented by survivors of the first world war: they simply had to survive, whereas we have the luxury of being able to deal with it differently. As someone who experienced a traumatic loss at the age of nine, when my three-year-old sister was killed in a road accident, I have to agree with her analysis.
28 Inspirational Quotes About Life, Love, Loss & Death From Steve Jobs’ Stanford Speech
It is 44 years since that death, and the shockwaves still reverberate in my family: everyone is different because of it, and the next generation has been touched by it in ways that are too subtle for them to fully understand. How traumatic losses shape the future of a family is a subject of great interest to Julia; so, too is the way men and women deal with loss differently.
Women, on the other hand, want to spend more time remembering the person who has died; they want to immerse themselves in the pain. But the fact is, she says, that each can learn from the other. You can create circumstances where you grieve, and circumstances where you move on; so men and women can help one another. He can help her go for a walk to the park or to a gallery, and she can help him talk about how he feels and express some of his loss.
Grieving is an intensely individual and usually incredibly lonely experience, which can make it a particularly difficult time in a family, where a group of people will be going through something sparked by the same event, but is in each case very different. The way to cope, says Julia, is to be open in communicating how you are feeling to others in your family.
Death disrupts the complex and finely tuned balance in a family, so everything has to be reorganised — and being open helps with that process. At the beginning, and this is especially true of a traumatic loss, the grief is all-consuming: but over time, says Julia, you find you are starting to live again. The mistake some make, though, is believing they can go back to being the way they were. But you fold them, and their loss, into the new person you become; and maybe that, in the end, is the greatest tribute any of us can make to anyone who has died.
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Listening is the key. Bear witness, and allow your friend to be upset, to be confused and contradictory, or to say nothing at all. It is good to say something to acknowledge their loss, but then let them have the control they need they had none over the death , to choose to talk or not. For real healing, it is necessary to face your grief and actively deal with it. Fact: Feeling sad, frightened, or lonely is a normal reaction to loss.
Showing your true feelings can help them and you.
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They may simply have other ways of showing it. Fact: There is no specific time frame for grieving. How long it takes differs from person to person. You can move on with your life and keep the memory of someone or something you lost as an important part of you. In fact, as we move through life, these memories can become more and more integral to defining the people we are. While grieving a loss is an inevitable part of life, there are ways to help cope with the pain, come to terms with your grief, and eventually, find a way to pick up the pieces and move on with your life.
Our grieving is as individual as our lives. Instead of a series of stages, we might also think of the grieving process as a roller coaster, full of ups and downs, highs and lows. Like many roller coasters, the ride tends to be rougher in the beginning, the lows may be deeper and longer. The difficult periods should become less intense and shorter as time goes by, but it takes time to work through a loss. Even years after a loss, especially at special events such as a family wedding or the birth of a child, we may still experience a strong sense of grief.
Shock and disbelief. Right after a loss, it can be hard to accept what happened. You may feel numb, have trouble believing that the loss really happened, or even deny the truth. Profound sadness is probably the most universally experienced symptom of grief. You may have feelings of emptiness, despair, yearning, or deep loneliness. You may also cry a lot or feel emotionally unstable.
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You may also feel guilty about certain feelings e. After a death, you may even feel guilty for not doing something to prevent the death, even if there was nothing more you could have done.
ufn-web.com/wp-includes/34/comment-pirater-un-code-iphone-6s-plus.php If you lost a loved one, you may be angry with yourself, God, the doctors, or even the person who died for abandoning you. You may feel the need to blame someone for the injustice that was done to you.
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A significant loss can trigger a host of worries and fears. You may feel anxious, helpless, or insecure. You may even have panic attacks. The death of a loved one can trigger fears about your own mortality, of facing life without that person, or the responsibilities you now face alone. We often think of grief as a strictly emotional process, but grief often involves physical problems, including:. The pain of grief can often cause you to want to withdraw from others and retreat into your shell. But having the face-to-face support of other people is vital to healing from loss.
Comfort can also come from just being around others who care about you. The key is not to isolate yourself.
Turn to friends and family members. Now is the time to lean on the people who care about you, even if you take pride in being strong and self-sufficient. They may feel unsure about how to comfort you and end up saying or doing the wrong things. Draw comfort from your faith. If you follow a religious tradition, embrace the comfort its mourning rituals can provide. Spiritual activities that are meaningful to you—such as praying, meditating, or going to church—can offer solace.
Join a support group.
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